Friday, October 11, 2013

A Week Later

It's been a little over one week since IT happened.  Physically, I feel normal again.  Emotionally, I'm doing ok.  The feelings come and go and some moments I catch myself smiling as if nothing ever happened while other times I'm scared and sad.  I've spent the last week talking myself out of falling into another slump like the one I was in after having Gavin.  Everything we went through with Gavin left incredibly deep battle wounds - ones that will never fully heal - but with a hefty amount of therapy and rediscovering myself, I found a place to neatly store most of my emotions.  It's tough.  Rocky and I waited 3+ years to try again for a baby and we definitely did not do so blindly.  We met with the perinatologists, my OB 5,000 times, my gynecologist, and really anybody that might have a medical opinion on what to do differently in order to prevent a repeat.  We were reassured over and over again that what happened with Gavin was a fluke and the odds were in our favor for us to have a successful second pregnancy.  And then it all went to shit.  The rational side of me realizes that miscarriages can happen to any woman regardless of her prenatal history but the irrational side of me is convinced there is something wrong with me and my body.  

I'm trying to move forward but I'm a little lost.  I'll ask my OB refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist) but I'm not convinced they'll keep me as a patient considering I can get pregnant even though I have trouble staying pregnant.  And, then there's Rocky.  His wounds are deeper than most realize.  When I was pregnant with Gavin, he weathered a nasty, nasty storm and could do nothing to help.  Although he would never admit it, it broke him.  The fact that he could even swallow the idea of a second child without freaking out was a giant leap forward.  And then I miscarried and now we're back to where we started three years ago.  

The entire situation is sad.  I want to complete our family and experience pregnancy the way that it should be.  I want to grow a huge belly and complain about my swollen ankles.  I want to listen to the cries of my newborn and watch Gavin blossom into the most amazing older brother.  I want to finally prove to Rocky that I can do this my body can do this and all of his worrying was for naught.  

So, here we go.  One foot in front of the other.  Moving forward. 

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could write something to make things better. Thinking of you and your family. xx